Ann Davis-Rowe

or: no one is more surprised how old I am than I am.

It has been one week, and I was really hoping to have some profound insights or words of wisdom about everyone’s most dreaded preventative care.

However — this was one of the easier things I’ve ever done in my life.

The worst part was definitely all the obsessing before hand when I saw the doctor’s instructions to avoid fibrous foods two days out — aka much of my diet: nuts, seeds, most veg and fruit, oj with pulp… and then I started searching the Internet and found a whole host of recommendations, emphasizing going on a low-fiber diet from three to five days to up to two weeks out.

I was prepared to not eat the day before but to give up my beloved lunch smoothies? And a salad to justify red meat? And we were to have two restaurant dinners over the weekend.

Well, luckily (?), the snow cancelled those dinners, so I compromised with my brain and did maaaaaainly low-fiber Friday and Saturday, and almost completely on Sunday and Monday ahead of my Wednesday appontment.

So what does that even mean? For me, brunches and lunches were scrambled eggs with bell peppers I had roasted when making a meal earlier in the week (no skin, very soft) and mini-bagels, tuna melts on white bread, and tuna mixed into instant mac and cheese.

Saturday night we did lemony-garlic scallops with polenta and a shaved Brussels salad (that part wasn’t low-fiber, but close enough). For Sunday supper, we made these dumplings with white rice and a can of wax beans I had randomly grabbed on our Christmas Wegman’s trip. Monday’s dinner was chicken coq au vin blanc meatballs with mashed potatoes and cider-braised carrots.

My doctor prescribed OTC Dulcolax pills and a bottle of Miralax dissolved in 64 ounces of Gatorade, half to be drunk the night before and half six hours before the procedure. I used G Zero Glacier Cherry and it was not at all the chalky, thick, gross mixture I’d always heard about. And, as seen in last week’s roundup, it looked good.

I questioned why the scheduler suggested a 2 p.m. appointment, but then he told me the whole second-half-of-the-mix-six-hours-ahead thing so if I wanted to be up at 2 a.m….. Yeah, no, I decided I could wait to eat.

A coworker recently had her first colonoscopy also, and she was prescribed a prep drink that was chalky, thick, and gross. I couldn’t find an answer online so asked at my appointment why different people are prescribed different preps… and the nurse didn’t have an answer. So, hey, I guess I do have a word of wisdom! If your doc prescribes something other than Dulcolax and Miralax + Gatorade, ask why. I am not a medical professional, but it can’t hurt to ask.

Now, to be fair, I was a little queasy toward the end of the evening chugging session between all the liquid and not eating anything but jello and broth all day, but nothing too bad.

As for the… effects… now, your mileage may vary, of course, but I’m here to tell you it’s not always a horror story. I bought wipes and had candles ready, as suggested on the Internet, sat on the floor to watch tv so I didn’t get covered in puppies in case of urgency — and it was all completely unnecessary. Maybe it’s because I went low-fiber for a few days, maybe it’s because I regularly add a fiber/prebiotic powder to my spinach/fruit smoothies. Hey, another tip! I can’t say that these things 100% helped but they certainly didn’t hurt.

Now, I do not say this to negate other stories you may have heard, or your own experiences! But I say all this in hopes of encouraging those of you who may be putting this off or dreading turning 45 out of fear. Colorectal cancer rates in younger folks are on the rise globally, and it’s one that often is diagnosed too late.

The other thing that wasn’t nearly as bad I expected: everything pre- and post-procedure. Now, I am accustomed to quick changes backstage and have vaguely less than average modesty because of it, but I still wasn’t sure exactly what to expect. I was pleasantly surprised that I felt faaaaaaar less exposed than at my annual gyno checkup or mammogram.

Also, I have only ever been under anesthesia to have my wisdom teeth out almost 30 years ago and I do not remember waking up or getting into the car, so I was worried about that. At intake, they asked if I wanted Hampton back with me afterward and I said no thank you, gotta keep some of the mystique alive; he hears me say enough dumb stuff completely sober.

My coworker said she didn’t expect the anesthesia to burn when it hit her hand through the IV, and my nurse warned it might be “spicy”, but I didn’t notice at all. Another FYI, though! My coworker and I did have the same experience waking up — someone said our name and bam, awake, no blackout period.

I laid there for a bit ‘til they were convinced I wouldn’t pass out when I stood up. I was to be there at 1:30 for the 2 o’clock appointment, and I was getting dressed by 2:40. Short and sweet! I inhaled some of the leftover pizza from Hampton’s dinner the night before and then was a lump on the couch ‘til he threw together a clean-the-fridge pasta.

Even without any risk factors or family history, I’m glad, for my own piece of mind, that I went ahead and scheduled an appointment as soon as my doctor recommended it. Other than the aforementioned queasiness and some gut pressure the night before and feeling tired and headachy after (I hate naps. And I guess this extends to anesthesia.), it couldn’t have been easier.

If you’re in the NC Triad area and need a driver for your colonoscopy, I am here for you! Any excuse to sit and read — even if it only takes an hour.